A Wild and Fierce Love

“love should feel secure but wild” – r.h. sin

A wild love. It’s what every girl dreams of.

Exciting adventures with someone who makes your heart beat fast.
Late nights, long drives, sunny days, jam sessions, and spontaneous slow dances.

Finding moments that give you a rush — making memories with someone you feel wild with.

But what we, as girls, may overlook is the security that must be a part of love. Without security, you are tip toeing on the edge of heartbreak. You believe that you are the one who can live in wild love, without trust, and that your wildness will be enough to sustain you.

But it never is.

It’s not enough to feel butterflies in your stomach when he smiles at you if you also feel butterflies in your stomach when you think about what he could be doing this weekend while you’re not together.

It’s not enough to feel the rush of excitement, quickly followed by the rush of worry.

It’s not enough to love his craziness if there is no trust. That is not what love is.

Now, speaking from experience, I have been broken by trust and shattered by lies. I have been mocked with the truth and humiliated by my own blindness.

Do not choose a love that is wild but not secure.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.

As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
– Isaiah 55:8-9

 

By the grace of God, my entire life has been turned upside down. I was thrown out of my comfort zone into complete and utter dependence on the Lord. And gosh, how he has been working in my life since.

I feel completely humbled by what God has done in my life. I feel completely in awe of how faithful, how passionate, and how present God truly is.

Just last weekend I went on a new student retreat with InterVarsity, the Christian ministry that I am involved in here at JMU. During the weekend, like at many retreats, I saw God working so boldly. And through this movement, and by calling out the fear that I have built since being broken by love, God gave me such a sense of peace.

There is a peace to be found when you fall in love with God. My heart had become so anxious since my breakup and moving to college. Everyone keeps telling me that I will soon meet my husband. Everyone keeps telling me that my small group will become my future bridesmaids. And every day my heart was continually been idolizing a relationship and a marriage that I am not promised.

While it is still a struggle, I realized that I had been turning to the Lord, not out of admiration or dependence or devotion, but because I wanted what he could give me. Love.

And I don’t mean His love. I mean a marriage. A man. I had been running to God because I wanted Him to give me a relationship again. I wanted to pursue Him so that I could prepare for my future husband, so that I could be the girls that attracts a God-fearing Christian man. I was praising God for what He could give me, and not because of who He is. And that was so, so wrong of me.

God deserves our praise not out of want for His blessings. God deserves our praise because of who He is, what He has done for us, what He is doing for us, and what He will do for us. His love is completely unconditional and I was expecting God to reward my faith with love. I was idolizing marriage.

And to the grace of God, He called that out to me! During that retreat I was able to recognize what I was doing and lay it down at the foot of the cross, with the support from amazing women who shared in my vulnerability and encouraged me with their love.

 

your ways are higher, your thoughts are wilder …
“Here Now”  by Hillsong

 

 

And my purpose for sharing this ugly part of myself is so that you can recognize if you may be doing the same thing. It took constant anxiety for me to realize my mistake.

God deserves praise for who He is, not for what He can give you.

You have to ask yourself: if God NEVER gave me that one desire in my heart, would I still love him? Would I still choose to be devoted to Him?

Because this is merely a question of satisfaction. Is the Lord enough to satisfy me?
Or do I have a twisted idea in my head that my life as a Christian woman will only be fulfilled once I find a Christian man that I can marry?

What if God never gives me this?
Will I still be fulfilled in my life because I have faith in God?
Do I love God, or do I love what God can give me?

In regards to my own idol, it took a lot for me to recognize how passionately God already loves me. Gosh, we hear that all day long. Jesus loves you, God loves you.
It’s a truth that I most definitely knew, but something that I limited to a box. I didn’t believe that my desire for a relational kind of love could be satisfied with the love that God has for me.

But oh my gosh I was wrong. God offers me an unconditional and abundant love. He already has made it so clear how worthy and priceless I am. He has already sacrificed himself for a relationship with me. He has already pursued me. He has already forgiven me for my faults. He has already done all the things that, in all honesty, a person can never do!

Those lyrics, “your ways are higher, your thoughts are wilder” have been the strangest comfort to me since this realization.

Continually I have wondered, “why me”. Why am I going through this heartbreak? Why do I now fear the future so much? Why did God flip my world upside down?

And gosh, I don’t know the answers. But the idea that God’s plans are much wilder than mine brings me so much joy. I want that wild plan! I would take a wild plan that is designed by God over my seemingly “safe” plan any day. How much more of an adventure will his plan be! How much more scary and amazing will it be!

His thoughts are so much higher than my own and I have had continual comfort that He has protected me from a life that was not his plan. He rescued me from a relationship that He did not want for me. I can’t wait to see God’s wild and amazing plan play out. And this plan is going to be SO infinitely more wonderful than anything I could ever have formed on my own.

And wow, it is so scary to constantly put trust in this. It is really hard to continually remind myself that God is forever enough and that He is setting me apart for a reason.
But, my friends, it is far, far better to choose God’s plan over your own.

But the absolute best part of all, is that His love is both amazingly wild and eternally secure. And that it is infinitely enough to sustain. He offers me a wild and fierce love. And He will never break my heart.

Thanks for reading 🙂

xx Abbey

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